Part of the Voice I Almost Lost – Blog #27
by Alana Pierre Curry
At Thanksgiving, we were laughing and talking about how I like to fall asleep with the television on. It has been a lifelong habit. My husband prefers silence, so we compromised on a timer that shuts the TV off at 2 AM.
Falling asleep with the television on is something I have done since childhood, except when I stayed with my grandparents. Only my grandfather had a TV in the bedroom. When I was home, I didn’t really have a bedtime, so as long as I was quiet, my mom let me keep the TV on. In some ways, it wasn’t just noise. It was a source of light.
When I was a child, I had two recurring nightmares. In one of them, there was a single door in the distance with a small light shining over it. To reach the door, I had to cross through complete darkness. I did not know what was waiting in the dark, but I knew it was something scary, something I did not want to face.
Maybe that is why the glow and hum of a television became a comfort for me.
Back to Thanksgiving.
My daughter suggested I read or journal before bed instead of watching TV. My husband had suggested the same thing before. So Sunday night, I told him I would follow their advice and read before bed.
He joked and asked me if I owned any real books with actual pages. HaHa! I laughed because I have plenty. Before becoming a mom, I used to read all the time. Books were my joy. I could finish one in a single day. I think that love of reading is what eventually led to my love of writing.
So I went to my office to grab a book. I went straight to my office couch, which may or may not have a bit of clutter and noticed a shiny cover on the couch. It was a book I bought on July 5, 2024. I bought two copies, one for me and one for my daughter. The book was Worthy by Jamie Kern Lima.
There is a lot behind this moment, so I hope you stay with me.
Earlier that day, I was supposed to record a workshop I created months ago. I have received such strong, meaningful feedback from people I trust and respect. I tried to record it once before, but that old self-doubt crept in when I heard my voice on playback. So there was the cycle of recording, deleting, re-recording…to then saying, I will just come back to it.
Fast forward to the week before this past Sunday, I planned to try again. I attended a virtual webinar and received such genuine encouragement. The host even sent positive affirmations through LinkedIn. My husband hyped me up too. I felt supported and ready.
But do you know self-sabotage?
Because I do.
Everything that could go wrong with the platform I was trying to use went wrong. I finally switched to Zoom. I hid my video so I would not over-focus on how I looked, and surprisingly, I started to feel more comfortable than ever. But then I did not like the flow of my speaker notes. Notes I had prepared and reviewed so many times. Suddenly, they were all wrong. Uhm hmmm…
And just like that, no recording.
Later that night, feeling unsettled, I sat down with the book Worthy. I wanted to turn on the TV, but I kept my commitment. I opened the book anyway.
And won’t God do it!
Jamie wrote about how we sometimes sabotage ourselves because somewhere inside, we do not believe we are worthy.
I stopped before even getting to chapter one.
I told my husband I needed to restart later with my journal nearby because the truths she was sharing were hitting places in me I wasn’t expecting. She was dropping all sorts of great nuggets just in her note to the reader!
Tonight, my journal will be right next to me as I read. She poured so much into me from just that first section.
And in the spirit of holding myself accountable, I am saying it here.
I will record that workshop by Thursday.
The date night I planned for Friday with my husband will now include a celebration because I will have overcome my fear. And really what am I afraid of anyway? I wrote the Workbook and the Workshop! It is something to be proud of and something I feel others will find helpful.
I believe everyone is worthy except myself.
It is time to unpack that trauma because it has taken far too much from my life.
We are all worthy.
Every single one of us.
And I am finally learning to believe I am included in that too.